Now And Forever More
by xoHeavilyBroken0x
Summary: Because you are the blade across my wrist. You are the blood dripping to the floor. You are the gun in my nightstand. You are the empty bottles of pills. You are the demon on my shoulder. Now and forever more. Sharpay centric


'Now and Forever More'

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_I've been slapped before. I've been puched before. I've been ignored before. I've been abused before. I've lost myself before. I've tried to kill myself before. I've cried myself to sleep before. I've had many bruises before. I've lost sight of the good things in life before. I've hurt myself before. I've abused myself before. I've hurt others before. I've lost friends before. I've lost people I loved before. I've lost my entire world before. I've seen the walls fall around me before. I've screamed at the top of my lungs before. I've been sick to my stomach for something I had no control over before. I've hurt the ones I love before. I've been through everything there is to be through...until I lost you._

_Then I was just a black whole that nobody dare come within ten feet of. I was a disaster in my own skin. I was a monster beneath my smile. I was a lost soul underneath my heart of darkness. I lose everything...everything that means anything at least. I lose the person who's hurt me...not that I care. I lose the person who gave me such heartache...for some reason I miss them. I lose my best friend...It's not like I've never lost one before. I've lose my soulmate...I find myself so alone. I lose my life...it wasn't that great anyway. I lose you...I've lost everything._

_Faight has it's own rules. It plays it's own game in which all the rules are made to fit around how the world seems to want to take things. It took you because it wanted to. It never needed to explain or apologive. But I did. I felt wrong, incredibly selfish, and broken when you left. I said sorry for all I'd done wrong...though I don't remeber doing anything._

_Destiny claims the ones who it feels promise for. The ones it feels is ready for something beyond the walls we stand, trapped in our mind of forever misery. To me at least. That's how destiny finds who's ready for the next chapter. For the afterlife of eternity. Mortality can never last it seems. Though I wouldn't want it to. I'm ready for destiny to claim me. I've stood screaming to the heavens, please take me._

_I tried to take it all in my hands. It didn't work. I failed. Not only did I lose you, but I lost myself. I've forgoten the screaming in my face. The harsh sting of your hand across my cheek. The bruises I can't explain to anyone. The harsh realtiy of being pushed against a wall, your hands around my throat. I've almost forgetton it. Now it feels like it was all in some twisted dream. Twisted and unexplainable. You hurt me, so I hurt you. You try to kill me, I try to kill you. I failed. You won...not that I mind. I wanted you to._

_I remeber laughter...it seems like an eternity since I've heard it from my lips. You say the same, but I don't hear you. I'm too busy looking into the eyes of hell. The blackness of the once sweet and gentle is now cold and dare I say...evil._

_I've dealt with evil before. I've dealt with you havn't I? That almost made me smile. The thought of you...trapped in your own dark and furious world. How does it feel to be in your own world? Do you see your own dark secrets? The lightened sky is no londer visible. It's dead to me. Thanks for that...you taught me not to belive. Now I don't trust what I say, I don't trust how I feel. If I did I might forgive you. I hate how fragile my heart is...but it's your fault. There for I just hate you more._

_The memories havn't completely faded yet, though I bet you wish they had. I bet you wish you too could also forget your past and leave the demons behind. But if you did, I'd be the one who's shoulders they fall onto. Memories haunt me now. They kill me inside. They make my heart twist into a knot and make me want to curl up in the corner and cry. Or die...which ever eases the pain more._

_Of course the pain never eases. That would be too easy. God...my own soul has been lost in the drakness of my mind. Can no one help me resurface. I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's warm and seems unharmful...I know now that's it's not yours._

_I turn, my eyes are glazed over, red, and unreadable. There is no emotion. I don't feel anymore. I use to. Not after you. I did feel, a long time ago. When I was me. When I was human. You took that out of me. You took my heart, my soul, and my reason for being. I've felt happieness...but I can't remeber what it feels like anymore. I've felt bubbly...God, how I wish for those days back. I've felt sadness...once again, it's all because of you. Then I felt anger. Then rage. It was an interseting feeling. It made it more real. Then I bacame lost in it. Then I took my revenge. _

_I still have the note you left me. It still lays underneath my pillow. I never opened it. It would all be a lie anyway. Why care for such a lie? Maybe because we need them to survive. Because lieing is easier than hurting. You never hurt, not in your eyes. You lied. You lied to yourslef that you never did anything wrong. We all knew it was a lie. But you fell for your own misintentions and began to believe it...you never hurt me. You killed me._

I stare at the words. I can't believe I wrote them, but no one must know. For some reason, I want them to. God...I feel so lost. At least I'm feeling something. At least I'm not as numb as I've been. Finally, I feel something. Still...I feel nothing for you. No harm, no foul.

I move among people. People I know. People I call my friends. Though I truely know none of them. I plaster this incredibly fake smile upon my face and hope nobody can see thorugh it. I'm lucky...no one can.

I feel no need to explain why I do the things I do, or be the way I am. I feel no need to explain why I run the blade across my wrist and watch as blood drips to the floor. I feel no need to explain why I keep a gun in my nightstand. I feel no need to explain why the bottle of pills I got yesterday are already gone. I feel no need to explain that my entire life is a black whole.

I'll never change. I'll never be happy. I'll never feel. I'll never cry. I'll never let anyone get close. I'll never live a normal day. And no matter how much I wish I could...I'll never forget you. Because you are the blade across my wrist. You are the blood dripping to the floor. You are the gun in my nightstand. You are the empty bottles of pills. You are the demon on my shoulder. Now and forever more.

--

_okay, that was definitly the deepest thing I've writen. I know you may not undertsand it, but it was based on me. It was a lot of my emotions right threre. But for this, it's about Sharpay. The person hurting her can be anyone you like. Troy, her dad, whoever. Personally, as I began to write this, I pictured my dad because there's alot of pain with that. I found it oddly easy to write. I guess my emotions just started boiling over. And sorry it's short. But anyway, please review and tell me what you think._

_-Peace!_


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